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OK, I admit it. I'm going to be 40 this summer.
Not that I feel 40, mind you, but that happens to be what the calendar on the wall dictates. And, not only 40, but my son (whom I gave up for adoption at birth), will be 19 as well.
I don't feel like the parent of a teenager. Mostly because I don't feel like a parent. I did nothing to deserve the title. I didn't assume the responsibility for anything other than creating the life. I did nothing to nurture or sustain that life once it became part of the universe.
::sigh:: Sometimes that thought depresses me. I know I'm not a bad person for what I did. Hell, it was much better than having an abortion. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still pro-choice, but that wasn't my choice). I wonder if someday he'll knock on my door. And yes, I wonder what (who) he looks like.
Sometimes I'm disappointed in myself. Hell, most of the time I'm disappointed in myself. I haven't "achieved" the success everyone always pushed me toward. I guess it's just because I never measured success in the same way as "they" did. To me, success is being happy. And most of the time, I am. I only get depressed when other people start tearing me down about one thing or another.
Personally, I think I'm too lazy. But other people I know say that I'm too driven. Granted, most of my life I have worked more than one job at a time, etc., however, most of the time it was a financial necessity, or, at least to get me the things I wanted at the time.
Not that I'm that into material success. Because I'm not really. I think I have finally achieved what I consider to be a respectable level of financial success, but that doesn't mean I'm going out and buying a new car every year, etc. Or that I can even afford to own my own house yet (I probably could, but my credit rating is too fucked up to get financing).
Anyway, back to what I've been thinking about. I'm going to be 40 this summer, and I have *never* had a birthday party in my whole life. My parents made a big deal about birthdays, but they were "family-only" affairs (not that I really had any friends growing up anyway). And since that time, college, two marriages, many friendships, no one in my life has ever put together a party in my honor. (Mind you, I threw kick-ass parties for many of my friends/lovers over the years because to me birthdays should be celebrated).
So now, I'm turning 40... it's one of the milestones to me... You know the old saying, "life begins at 40" - sometimes I wonder just how true that will be. I'm thinking about throwing myself a HUGE party this summer for my 40th birthday (we're talking $40-50 a head with maybe 100 guests, so we're not talking cheap).
I can afford it, if I make it a priority. I guess the thing is, I can't decide if I really want to do it or not. I'd really love to have a great party with the people I care about, but the bottom line is, I know that less than a handful of all those people actually cares about whether or not I live or die...
So I don't know... is the party for me or them? Is it worth $5k, or should I just go on a trip around the world instead? (or something more selfish than a party).
Inquiring minds want to know.
Not that I feel 40, mind you, but that happens to be what the calendar on the wall dictates. And, not only 40, but my son (whom I gave up for adoption at birth), will be 19 as well.
I don't feel like the parent of a teenager. Mostly because I don't feel like a parent. I did nothing to deserve the title. I didn't assume the responsibility for anything other than creating the life. I did nothing to nurture or sustain that life once it became part of the universe.
::sigh:: Sometimes that thought depresses me. I know I'm not a bad person for what I did. Hell, it was much better than having an abortion. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still pro-choice, but that wasn't my choice). I wonder if someday he'll knock on my door. And yes, I wonder what (who) he looks like.
Sometimes I'm disappointed in myself. Hell, most of the time I'm disappointed in myself. I haven't "achieved" the success everyone always pushed me toward. I guess it's just because I never measured success in the same way as "they" did. To me, success is being happy. And most of the time, I am. I only get depressed when other people start tearing me down about one thing or another.
Personally, I think I'm too lazy. But other people I know say that I'm too driven. Granted, most of my life I have worked more than one job at a time, etc., however, most of the time it was a financial necessity, or, at least to get me the things I wanted at the time.
Not that I'm that into material success. Because I'm not really. I think I have finally achieved what I consider to be a respectable level of financial success, but that doesn't mean I'm going out and buying a new car every year, etc. Or that I can even afford to own my own house yet (I probably could, but my credit rating is too fucked up to get financing).
Anyway, back to what I've been thinking about. I'm going to be 40 this summer, and I have *never* had a birthday party in my whole life. My parents made a big deal about birthdays, but they were "family-only" affairs (not that I really had any friends growing up anyway). And since that time, college, two marriages, many friendships, no one in my life has ever put together a party in my honor. (Mind you, I threw kick-ass parties for many of my friends/lovers over the years because to me birthdays should be celebrated).
So now, I'm turning 40... it's one of the milestones to me... You know the old saying, "life begins at 40" - sometimes I wonder just how true that will be. I'm thinking about throwing myself a HUGE party this summer for my 40th birthday (we're talking $40-50 a head with maybe 100 guests, so we're not talking cheap).
I can afford it, if I make it a priority. I guess the thing is, I can't decide if I really want to do it or not. I'd really love to have a great party with the people I care about, but the bottom line is, I know that less than a handful of all those people actually cares about whether or not I live or die...
So I don't know... is the party for me or them? Is it worth $5k, or should I just go on a trip around the world instead? (or something more selfish than a party).
Inquiring minds want to know.
