![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I've started this post a million times. I've written it and re-written it in my head. I'm not quite sure how I want to express myself, or what I have been thinking about this weekend. There's just so much going on inside and I'm not quite sure how to talk about it.
There are a lot of you on LJ who know me in real life. Or, at least, you know me as the person I have been the last eight years or so in Atlanta. A few of you on my friends list know more about me, and the things that I accomplished in my life when I was a much younger person. Only one or two of you probably have any idea of what my life has really been like, because, for the most part, I keep people at arm's length. I like to tell myself that's because I enjoy my solitude, but for the most part, it's really because I'm afraid of being hurt again. There have been many disappointments in my life, probably because I expect too much from people. I know I expect too much from myself most of the time, but old habits die hard.
Anyway, I digress. My life has changed, due in some part to another person's LJ. If you want to read about it, you can do so here. It's an odd thing, inspiration. It can come upon you from out of the blue. I've wanted to lose weight for years. And actually, I successfully lost 80 lbs. prior to coming to Atlanta about 8 years ago. But I've gained it all back since then... a pound here, a pound there. I don't really know how much I weigh. You see, most commercially available scales stop at 350 lbs. So, I suppose I could be 351 or 500, I really don't know. Actually, I'm guessing that I'm still around 375, which has always been around my "top weight" - anything more than that and I usually feel like crap and will "diet" for a while to get back in a more comfortable range.
I'm generally a very positive person. Externally, at least. Internally is probably a whole 'nother story. I know that in high school, I was always viewed as a very upbeat, positive person. When I finally opened up to a close friend about some of the things that had happened to me as a child/teen, their comment to me was, "I had no idea, you always have a smile on your face, and another one for anyone else who is feeling down. I can't imagine how hard your life has been." Don't get me wrong, from most people's perspectives, I had a "dream" life... all the privileges money could buy. But all those things came with a huge emotional pricetag. I don't often comment on the abuses of my childhood because I believe it tends to bring people "down" - and I don't like doing that. I don't really want people's sympathy, I would prefer to have their respect.
When I gave up my son for adoption in 1982, I think a large piece of me died. I stopped caring about me and started focusing on other people. It was as if perhaps I could give enough to the world so that I would forgive myself for giving up a part of me. I don't know. That's still something I'm working out. I know that for the next 11 years I continued to make horrible choices for myself, and allowed other people in my life to do a lot of my thinking for me. I concentrated on "having a good time" - no matter what the expense.
When I ended my second marriage in 1993 and moved to Atlanta. I started taking better care of myself. I went through some tough times again, to be sure. I'm a survivor though, and I've managed to make a comfortable life for myself here. Of course, I still don't consider myself a success, something that my friends chide me on. I think however, that it's because they look at the outward symbols of success... a great job, a car, nice house, etc. Inwardly, I suppose I'm still disgusted with myself because I haven't lived up to my potential.
My struggle with obesity has been a real catch-22. On one hand, I have become disgusted and saddened by the way overweight people are treated in today's society. Media's obsession with women's body-image and the fact that most of the models on the runway today are *far below* a weight that is healthy for their height has made me cling to my excess weight in an attempt to prove "it's what's on the inside that counts." However, inwardly, I struggle with the same prejudices, and am disgusted by what I see in the mirror.
I turned 40 this year. I'm already well aware of the changes in my body, and how I'm "slowing down." If I don't make a change soon, I can guarantee that my heart/lung/kidney problems will kill me before I'm 60. And honestly, I'm a very youthful person at heart. I see so much of life passing me by. I can't do many of the simple things that used to bring me joy. So, as many people do, I used food as a substitute... a vicious, self-destructive cycle.
There were a lot of things that I wanted to accomplish in 2001. In my mind, I made a great deal of progress on many of them. My #1 priority was to stabilize my financial situation, and I have done that. The last "negative" that I have on my credit report should be dropping off soon, and I should soon have the loans that I took out as "positive references" paid off by early 2002. So by the time I turn 41, I'll be debt free and have a positive credit rating. A far cry from the bankrupt, jobless/homeless person I was in 1993.
So, what does that mean for the days ahead? It means that I shall be working on me, making sure that there is a lot less of me to go around. It means a time for a lifetime of change, and a return to that passionate individual that I was in my late teens and early twenties. Obviously, sacrifices will have to be made, and it won't be an easy or a painless process. But it's something that has to be done, and I finally found the inspiration to do it.
There are a lot of you on LJ who know me in real life. Or, at least, you know me as the person I have been the last eight years or so in Atlanta. A few of you on my friends list know more about me, and the things that I accomplished in my life when I was a much younger person. Only one or two of you probably have any idea of what my life has really been like, because, for the most part, I keep people at arm's length. I like to tell myself that's because I enjoy my solitude, but for the most part, it's really because I'm afraid of being hurt again. There have been many disappointments in my life, probably because I expect too much from people. I know I expect too much from myself most of the time, but old habits die hard.
Anyway, I digress. My life has changed, due in some part to another person's LJ. If you want to read about it, you can do so here. It's an odd thing, inspiration. It can come upon you from out of the blue. I've wanted to lose weight for years. And actually, I successfully lost 80 lbs. prior to coming to Atlanta about 8 years ago. But I've gained it all back since then... a pound here, a pound there. I don't really know how much I weigh. You see, most commercially available scales stop at 350 lbs. So, I suppose I could be 351 or 500, I really don't know. Actually, I'm guessing that I'm still around 375, which has always been around my "top weight" - anything more than that and I usually feel like crap and will "diet" for a while to get back in a more comfortable range.
I'm generally a very positive person. Externally, at least. Internally is probably a whole 'nother story. I know that in high school, I was always viewed as a very upbeat, positive person. When I finally opened up to a close friend about some of the things that had happened to me as a child/teen, their comment to me was, "I had no idea, you always have a smile on your face, and another one for anyone else who is feeling down. I can't imagine how hard your life has been." Don't get me wrong, from most people's perspectives, I had a "dream" life... all the privileges money could buy. But all those things came with a huge emotional pricetag. I don't often comment on the abuses of my childhood because I believe it tends to bring people "down" - and I don't like doing that. I don't really want people's sympathy, I would prefer to have their respect.
When I gave up my son for adoption in 1982, I think a large piece of me died. I stopped caring about me and started focusing on other people. It was as if perhaps I could give enough to the world so that I would forgive myself for giving up a part of me. I don't know. That's still something I'm working out. I know that for the next 11 years I continued to make horrible choices for myself, and allowed other people in my life to do a lot of my thinking for me. I concentrated on "having a good time" - no matter what the expense.
When I ended my second marriage in 1993 and moved to Atlanta. I started taking better care of myself. I went through some tough times again, to be sure. I'm a survivor though, and I've managed to make a comfortable life for myself here. Of course, I still don't consider myself a success, something that my friends chide me on. I think however, that it's because they look at the outward symbols of success... a great job, a car, nice house, etc. Inwardly, I suppose I'm still disgusted with myself because I haven't lived up to my potential.
My struggle with obesity has been a real catch-22. On one hand, I have become disgusted and saddened by the way overweight people are treated in today's society. Media's obsession with women's body-image and the fact that most of the models on the runway today are *far below* a weight that is healthy for their height has made me cling to my excess weight in an attempt to prove "it's what's on the inside that counts." However, inwardly, I struggle with the same prejudices, and am disgusted by what I see in the mirror.
I turned 40 this year. I'm already well aware of the changes in my body, and how I'm "slowing down." If I don't make a change soon, I can guarantee that my heart/lung/kidney problems will kill me before I'm 60. And honestly, I'm a very youthful person at heart. I see so much of life passing me by. I can't do many of the simple things that used to bring me joy. So, as many people do, I used food as a substitute... a vicious, self-destructive cycle.
There were a lot of things that I wanted to accomplish in 2001. In my mind, I made a great deal of progress on many of them. My #1 priority was to stabilize my financial situation, and I have done that. The last "negative" that I have on my credit report should be dropping off soon, and I should soon have the loans that I took out as "positive references" paid off by early 2002. So by the time I turn 41, I'll be debt free and have a positive credit rating. A far cry from the bankrupt, jobless/homeless person I was in 1993.
So, what does that mean for the days ahead? It means that I shall be working on me, making sure that there is a lot less of me to go around. It means a time for a lifetime of change, and a return to that passionate individual that I was in my late teens and early twenties. Obviously, sacrifices will have to be made, and it won't be an easy or a painless process. But it's something that has to be done, and I finally found the inspiration to do it.
