Oh no! It can't be! A Meaningful Update!

Four years ago on Christmas Day, I created my LiveJournal. Directed here by orangcone, I've made this my little spot in cyberspace. I'll admit, depending on how lonely/depressed I am, my posting varies widely. While I'm always swearing that this will change, I'm not sure that it ever will. That doesn't mean my intentions are not to post more frequently, it's just that for me, until I get something into my "routine" it will only occur haphazzardly.

This is the time of the year when I reflect on the year that was and plan for the year that is to be. New Years Eve will be very special for me, as I will be going away to stay in the mountains for a few days, joined by a few of my close friends. It wasn't possible to invite everyone this year, and the holidays are always awash with myriads of social opportunities. I am blessed by all of my friends, those who could join me, and those who could not.

Recently, unexpected job opportunities have forced me to think about what I value most in life. My co-workers think I am crazy because I have always put my job first and my personal life second. They can't comprehend that those were the values that I was raised with, and that what you do, and how you contribute to society are the most important thing in life. It wasn't until recently that I realized that the reason my father believed that was because he was always a desparately unhappy man at home, and that his work lifted him up far above the verbal "beat-downs" my mother inflicted upon him every day. Yet he adored her, and won't say a bad word about her, even though I can clearly remember the affairs, the separations and the fights. He just denies it ever happened and calls me a liar. While I am happy we have renewed our relationship since my mother's death (I mean, who wouldn't be, he's been showering me with guilt money ever since), it's a very painful reminder of why I severed all contacts 20+ years ago, in order to spare myself from ongoing emotional abuse.

I don't really feel like I've gotten any farther than any of my co-workers by putting my company first, so I'm going to stop. I'm tired of being taken for granted on the job, tired of being expected to perform to standards that are twice as high as everyone else. Tired of being told that my personal appearance is the only thing that's "holding my career back." Fuck you. How I dress and how much I weigh have nothing, I repeat nothing, to do with how I perform my job. I talk to customers on the phone... they can't see me, they don't know what I look like, and the fact that I have been invited to visit some of them in their own homes scattered across the country says that they value me as a person, which is more than I can say of my employers. What I do, and how I perform my job has everything to do with the bond that I have developed with my customers over the last seven years. I genuinely care about them because most of them are in suck-ass jobs that are even worse than mine because they don't get paid anywhere near what they're worth. (At least I'm a well-paid slave to the corporate mentality).

Bottom line, 2005 is going to be for me. I've still got another 100 lbs. to lose. That's still a daunting task, no matter if I've already lost 150. I stalled out in 2004 due to stress. But I've got to get it under control again. Going to the gym will be essential as well, I've got to start building more muscle mass to rev up my metabolism more. Plus, I think working out will help to keep stress under control. Friends move to the top of my list for 2005. I don't feel like I know any of them as well as I would like, and I've been horribly disorganized about birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions. I like to entertain, and I like to spoil people. It's just part of who I am, I suppose.

This is probably just the first of several parts today. You know how it is with me sometimes, feast or famine.

Ciao for now.