Weight loss update

Weight this a.m.: 240 lbs.
Weight loss over the last 2 weeks: 2 lbs.
Lbs. to goal: 65 lbs. (175)

I'm pleased with this entry, even though the loss over the last two weeks was minimal. Considering the pig-out I went on in Vegas, this is awesome results. I'm getting ready to have "bloat" week some time in the near future (every woman knows what I'm talking about), but last month I still managed to maintain even through that dreaded event. I have a feeling I may not be so lucky this time, but we'll see.

I have 55 weeks to lose the remaining 65 lbs. I'm pretty sure I can do it. Mostly, I'm worried about the surgery I'm going to need when I'm finally at my goal weight. It's going to be painful, and it's going to require that I take quite a while off of work while I recover. I'm not looking forward to that, but I also can't stand to look at all this loose skin hanging around either. I didn't lose all this weight to want to look like crap in a bathing suit. If I took it off, I want to be able to take it off without being ashamed. 'Nuff said.

The regular stuff...

Kinda feel like yesterday was a wasted day. I did run errands, cleaned the cat box, cleaned up my desk, ripped some CDs to .mp3, played a lot of WoW, watched some TV and read a couple of magazines. Yet I still feel like all I did was spin my wheels. This is probably because my suitcase from Vegas is still downstairs waiting to be unpacked, and I have a pile of laundry the size of Mt. Everest left to do. However, I'm going to try to get on the "one load a day" schedule this week, so all I really have to do today is to sort laundry and do the dry cleaning, and I'll see how my new experiment in housework goes next week. I'm hoping it will be enough to get me out of bed and *stay* out of bed every morning. (I have a bad habit of getting up for 15-20 minutes, and then going back to bed for another hour). However, starting in July, I'm going to be going to the 7-3:30 a.m. shift (thank God), and this should all be better at that time. Obviously, once I start working that early, my morning LJ updates are going to go by the wayside, but I'll try to be better about posting just before I go to bed instead.

My dad's grief counselor suggested that he write everything down that he was thinking about to help him sleep after mom died. It worked for him, but he stopped needing to do it after a couple of weeks. I'm finding that since I'm journaling again that I'm sleeping better. May be just a coincidence, or it may be that it's helping me get some of the bottled stuff out, even if I'm not talking about it directly. Who knows?

Once again, I feel like I've been hit with the stupid stick. That feeling is not going to go away until after my next trip, but I'm hoping it will be over then (either that, or it's going to be 10x worse). My guess is that it's going to be over, and this will all just be a painful, expensive lesson all over again, but I've got to do this to myself. It has changed the way I see myself forever though, regardless of the outcome, and it makes me even more determined to pursue my goals with a vengeance.

I'm not quite sure why I've never seen myself as "loveable" before. OK, that's crap, I know exactly why I feel that way, but I thought I'd spent enough money on therapy to move past that. One of the things that did help was finding out that Mom never told Dad she loved him until three weeks before she died. They were married 58 years. She never told me she loved me, and that has had a lasting impact on my psyche. I've been able to rationalize so much of the abuse I suffered away, but this is the one thing I've never been able to move past.

This is not a plea for sympathy or a cry for "but we love you" comments. Please don't... in some ways, it only makes it worse. I guess it's because I feel like it's so easy to type that on LJ, and it's so hard to show in real life. I know I have very dear friends who love and care about me, and I recognize that and "reward" that in the only ways I know how. I throw money at the issue. I'll never be able to talk about it, because this is the one subject in my life that causes me to lose complete control. Even now, I can barely type through the tears.

Most of my closest friends know that you don't see me cry, because that would mean showing people how truly unhappy I am at times. I don't want to burden people with my unhapiness, they have problems of their own. That's why I try to help people, to avoid my own problems. You think I don't know that about myself? Trust me, I'm my own best analyst. I know why I do everything, I know every dysfunction, I recognize every flaw, and I fight against those things on a daily basis. I've always been the strong one, the one that can handle any situation. I'm not sure why now, but I'm feeling really over-burdened and I refuse to use my favorite coping mechanism because it's just plain self-destructive. I don't know how I'm going to get through this episode, but I've got to find something.

One of the things that will help is if my freakin' employer will make up their mind about whether this job is moving forward right now. At this point, I feel I really need to move to NC so I can be closer to ladyleo and dch4. However, I also don't want to leave my house here, so that means I'm still torn, one way or another. Crap, I don't want this to turn into a pity party, but the indecision of wondering where this is all going to go is about to kill me. It's no wonder I'm losing weight again, it's all the stress. I had my sugar under control for a brief period of time, and now I'm afraid that the stress is going to throw me all out of whack again.

Being diabetic is very stressful... especially since my morning radio station has taken to airing commercials urging diabetics to "Know your a1c" and preaching how 2 of every 3 diabetics will have a heart attack (and using very young voices on the commercial). That's just great. I get to be reminded several times a day just how tenuous my hold on this world really is. Thanks a lot. I tried switching radio stations, but it didn't work, apparently the American Diabetes Association is on this big "education" kick and is pouring tons of money into advertising. I understand the spirit of what they're trying to do, but considering that stress is one of the major factors in Type 2 (insulin-resistant) diabetes, I think it's a very double-edged sword.

So, to combat my reaction to these commercials, I went out and bought a year's supply of pharmaceutical grade fish oil so that I will be able to put more Omega-3 into my diet. I did research, and most of the Omega-3 you can get from flax seed doesn't really do the trick, and this stuff looked to be the best deal. You see, I *hate* the cold-water fishes such as mackeral, tuna and salmon. So, I'm all about taking the pill. I'm not quite sure how I would function if I couldn't research things on the Internet. Well, I guess I'd be spending more time in the library, just like I did before computers. I've always been a researcher, it's what I do. It's my job, it's my life.

I'm waiting until after my next Vegas trip (primarly due to financial reasons), to sign up for my accreditation classes for the next phase of my career. I'll post about it more when it's actually happening and not "vaporware." I did pay for my SAT scores to be sent to me so that I may join MENSA again. I'm also going to join the Toastmaster's club at work, and I'm looking into Optimist Club as well. I'm also thinking about getting rid of cable, because I think I liked me more when I wasn't vegging out in front of the TV on a daily basis.

Ciao for now.