Of love and work...

I had a powerful epiphany this weekend. People have always asked me why I work so hard. I have never had a good answer for this. All of the traditional answers, to make more money, to get ahead at work, to fill the time, etc. These answers are all part of the whole, but none of them were powerful enough to be a "reason" that I do so.

But this weekend, while talking with a very good friend who does not have an LJ, I realized why I work. I have often thought that I work in order not to be lonely, but there was more to it than that.

When I am not in a relationship, I work so I'm not depressed about being alone.

When I am in a casual relationship, I work so that I don't obsess over the object of my affections.

When I am in a live-in relationship, I work so that I have more "alone time."

Once I realized that the amount of work I do is always tied in some way to relationships (or rather, once my friend pointed out the contextual reference), I realized to me that work = love.

Why? Well, when I was a child, my parents never told me they loved me. But if I worked hard, and received an accolade from an outside source, my parents would reinforce that accolade. It's was the only kind of emotional support I got from my parents. Verbal praise of accomplishments. No love, no affection, just praise.

I suppose that is in its own way a form of love for everyone. However, for me, it is TOTALLY wired into how I feel about work/success.

I told my friend that I'm married to my work because work is the only thing that gives me back more than I put in while still putting up with my shit.

Now that I've identified the deep-seated motivation, I need to figure out if the extra money is worth it now. I no longer feel that I'm lacking love in my life... do I need to continue to drive myself so hard?

I don't really know.

Ciao for now.