I never post as much as I should...

A year ago today, S walked into my room and immediately took root in my heart. Our relationship is a source of joy, pain, love, frustration and every emotion in between. He is the most passionate person I know besides myself. We think very differently, have opposing opinions at times, but at our core, we are the same. We want the same things in life, we drive ourselves incessantly to be the best person we can be. We both know how precious life really is, and how important it is for us to spend time with those we truly desire. We're both complex and confounding at times, and both of us can be so stubborn that sometimes we forget how much we love one another.

I have been writing a lot this year, on my books, but mostly for S. I finally met a man who actually reads the long, sappy emails that I send him. I can tell that he reads them as well, because there is usually a "quiz" later. That, and at times, he does things that he knows I desire because he read between the lines of the words I put to page, and looked deeper inside to give me what I want.

2007 was a rough year for me, and I'm not sure I ever would have gotten through it without S. Granted, at times it felt he was pulling away from me when I needed him most. That wasn't really what he was doing though, he was making sure I didn't become dependent on him, because co-dependency isn't good for anyone. I emerged from my trials stronger and full of more conviction than ever.

For the first time in life, I no longer have to hear "I love you." I am no longer riddled with self-doubt or wondering, "am I good enough for him?" Instead, I am challenged to be the best that I can be, secure in knowing that he already likes who I am.

As for love, I have never felt so much love radiating from someone else in my entire life. Many of my past lovers and friends have commented that at times, they can "feel" me projecting my love and positive energy on them. Sadly, whether it was because I was not open to them, or because they did not feel the same way, I've never felt that from someone myself. Until S. When he holds me, my heart is so full, it feels like it could burst.

There are challenges with our relationship. Both of us have commitments to work and family that prevent us from spending as much time together now as we would like. But this is our season, our time to be together. I celebrate every day I wake up, and I am grateful for everything I have in this life, including S.

The following is from an email I wrote to him back in April this year, when I was sick, but before we knew it was cancer:

"...As I grew older and wiser, I looked for an equal, someone with the same passion for living, the drive to succeed (understand, I don't consider monetary success truly a measure of trying to succeed at life), mental capacity, love of laughter, etc. Someone who could value the person that I have become, and coax my feminine side out to play when we were in private. Honestly, I had given up on finding that animal. I thought they were like the unicorn, a mythical beast that we all love, but would never really find.

That is, until I met you. That's the connection that I feel we share, and that's why it is so important to me. I see you as an equal in all things, someone who can "keep up" with the frenetic pace that I keep for myself. Someone who knows when to put me in my place, when to compromise with me, and when to just give up and let me have my way. A man who is as complex in his inner workings as I am in mine. Someone who says things by his actions, not his words. But, even being equals, this is not to say that we are the same. Far from it. We express ourselves very differently, and I can tell that our thought processes are different as well..."

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Ciao for now.