How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

The elephant that is my office/library is being eaten one bit at a time. I was able to (re)organize an entire bookcase today. That made me smile.

I had to turn on the heat today. I'm burning candles to cover up that burning dust smell you always have when the heat first comes on. It's been dreary out, and I haven't been super motivated, but at least I did get some stuff done. Still working on my shelves, so I might wind up finishing up another bookcase, but that's not totally necessary, as I've already completed my goal for today. I find I wind up finishing projects when I set small incremental goals. When I try to tackle something all at one, I usually just wind up giving in the middle and never getting back to it.

I've been spending a *lot* of time on FB games. Too much. Thinking of giving up my WoW account because the FB games provide the same kind of stress relief, and appeal to my competitive nature more because I'm so far back on the WoW curve I'll never catch up to the rest of the guild, and it takes too long to grind out the kind of gear really necessary to raid (and let's not forget the fact that I actually dislike raiding and PvP). But I like the camaraderie of Guild chat. It's the primary method I have of communicating with friends.

Ugh. I'm just in such a weird head space right now. My recent relationship ended without really ending. Stomps all over my already too-prevalent abandonment issues. I like closure. I like grudge f*cks. I crave the confrontation that clears the air in the end. I didn't get it, and not only that, I'm missing belongings and money. Plus, there is stuff of his here that I want gone. He didn't pay for any of the clothes or the razor I bought him, so there wouldn't be a whole lot of satisfaction destroying the stuff. Besides, I really want him to have it. I don't begrudge him those things, they're his, I wanted him to have them. I still love him. That's what sucks about all of this.

It's funny, I can go for months/years without being in a relationship. I'm not one of those people who is constantly trying to 'find' someone to be with. I'm fine on my own. Heck, when this relationship started, it just kinda happened out of the blue. I wasn't looking. But now that he got me used to being part of a couple, having someone to talk to at the end of my day, someone to lay in bed with, with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat - I miss that, damn it. That's what I'm angry at him for, for making me care, for making me share, for opening me up only to get stomped on again with hobnail boots.

I feel sorry for those who come after him as well. Just one more scar on my already battle-scared facade. It's so hard for me to be intimate with someone in the first place, but each hurt just makes it more and more of a struggle to interact with the world outside of my four walls. My friendships even suffer because the hurt makes me so fragile that I have trouble seeing happy couples, I feel so out of place.

Time to turn inward again. Time to focus on something else I'm good at. Things... I'm really good with things... People, not so much.

This has been far more maudlin than I intended. Every time I think of J, all I do is cry. I've been trying not to think about him, but obviously, I wasn't so successful when I started writing. Writing *always* brings out what I'm really feeling. My words always fall behind the mask I wear to the rest of the world. That's why you don't hear from me for weeks on end at times. I tend not to write in either the best of times or the worst of times. It's only when I'm in the hellacious middle that the words seem to flow.

Ciao for now.