I am never more lonely than when I am with others....

This headline message is brought to you by my overactive mind. I think too much, I worry too much, I say "what if" too much, etc., etc., etc. I realized this weekend, that when I hang out with friends who are "couples" - it makes me lonely. When I'm hanging out by myself or with the "girls", etc... or even with a bunch of guys, I'm not lonely. But when I hang out with a couple, it makes me feel like crap. I don't exactly understand it, because I don't really think that I want another relationship right now, but when I'm with couples, it makes me miss being married.

There's just something about having a partner with whom you're sharing your hopes and dreams, working together for common goals, etc., that makes me remember the good times. However, considering my "bad times," I'm not willing to trust enough to think that I could have that again, as I seem to have poor taste in men.

Someone asked me - what do you want, what makes you happy? I keep thinking about that, and I still don't have the answer. I think it might be because I'm happy with whatever I get, the whole, make lemonade when you get lemons thing. I don't really notice when I'm happy, just when I'm p/o'd. I seem to be p/o'd a lot. (Note to self, stop eating yogurt over your computer keyboard while posting, it makes a mess).

My work used to make me happy. It doesn't any more. I think that is the fundamental problem. However, I'm not sure where I'm going from here. I feel that if I go to work for any other company, it's just SSDD (same s**t, different day)with different players involved. This means I either need to become independently wealthy or entrepreneurial.

If I weren't so sick with lifetime conditions, I'd say "screw it" and take six months off to get my head together. I can't afford to be without health insurance however, and I think that I'm pretty much "uninsurable" as an individual. Because I'm not married, there is no spouse's insurance coverage to fall back on either.

Cie la vie.

I'll write more about the mudane details of my trip later (maybe).

Ciao for now.

All packed and ready to go...

My flight leaves at noon. The Orlando airport is exceedingly easy to get around in, however, it's quite a haul to where the rental cars are located. I noticed, however, that there are a lot of cute shops/eateries in the airport, so I think that I will probably stick with my 2-hours in the airport rule, and leave here around 9:30 ish to go drop off the rental car/etc.

Hopefully, my "pity party" is over. What a terrible way to spend a vacation, but I suppose that I needed it. I've got a plan of action, I'm confident in my abilities to make it through whatever crap is flung at me, and my conscience is clear. I know what I really want (though I'm loathe to admit it to anyone, including myself), but I need to discuss it with Dad. I'm hoping the next ten days will bring a change, we'll see. My only problem with using Dad as a sounding board is that he's often removed from the reality of the business world, having coming from the government sector during his career, and having been retired for the last 25 years or so.

Ciao for now.