I haven't posted for a while...

Mostly because I try to avoid posting when it will sound like I'm whining. I just haven't had any spoons lately, I think most of you on my list will know what that means. I keep having health challenges arise, we get one thing fixed and the medications for that make something else break. I'm now up to 23 pills a day... better living through chemistry, huh? I want to just chuck the damn cocktail out the window and say to hell with it and just let me die sometimes. But I'm not whining... really.

I know what's wrong really. I'm not happy these days. Not happy with my life, not happy with many of decisions I made last year, and have no clear direction of where I'm going. That's always been my strong suit, you know, knowing where I was headed even if I didn't like where I am. I guess I shouldn't complain that life has presented me so many opportunities, but I'm just not good when I have to decide between more than a couple of options. I get paralyzed with inactivity. Hell, sometimes just two options is enough to send me into a tailspin.

So I withdraw. That's absolutely the worst thing for me to do, but it's what I do anyway. I feel as though ever since I left The Camarilla, I've withdrawn from everything but work. Friends, family, WoW, fun, life, everything. Mentally, I think I'm in the same place I was before dch4 booted me in the ass 10 years ago. Only now, I've got more financial stability.

I have too much stuff. God, I hate the fact that I own a home now, it forces me to stay. I can't pack up and run any more, or I probably would have done that on at least three occasions in the last year. I accumulated all these earthly possessions which are just basically crap, and not who I am at the core. I am a gypsy by nature, and I've been in Atlanta almost 14 years now... WTF? That is so not me. I've tried to soothe my gypsy soul by traveling more this year, but San Francisco made it worse, not better. I forgot how much I loved that town, and I much I would love to go back.

I had an interesting conversation last night with a near-perfect stranger who gave me some insights I need to work through. What I need to do is go to Soup Night and get some hugs. Seriously. My hug quota is way low right now. I should have gone to help ladyleo and dch4 move yesterday, but I just didn't have enough spoons. I keep forgetting that the love of my friends puts the spoons back in my pile.

I'm sorry I run when I need all of you the most, but it's just not in my nature to ask for help. It never has been. I forget I have people who *will* help me now. I'm still stuck in that emotional hell where I needed to be able to count on the people I loved and they turned their back on me. It destroyed a part of me I'm not sure I'll ever get back. Heh. Abandonment issues. So let's just say having my best friend move away from Atlanta isn't helping right now, even though I know it was a wonderful opportunity for them and they still call me all the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if that means I'm just not giving enough. My happiness has always come from self-sacrifice. I don't know what more I can give however, I feel tapped out. I'm even out of words.

Ciao for now.

Before I lay me down to sleep...

Today turned out to be a good day. However, I am totally out of spoons and mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I worked through a great deal of internal garbage, got some housework done, made some money and just plain wore myself out, which is good. I will sleep well tonight.

Remember, I love you all.

Ciao for now.