At about 9 a.m. this morning, in the middle of a conversation with a co-worker, I fit into my new skin. There is a clarity of purpose now that I didn't even have yesterday. My "personal" life seems to make more sense now. I realized that I can now sit down and write out the concrete goals, etc., that I run my life on. I think that this had a lot to do with me falling back into my nightly ritual of meditation before I go to bed.
I threw everything away in early April. As I said, I was waiting to die. I think in a metaphoric sense, I did die. I feel like a phoenix, rising from the ashes, but that is such a cliche. I had managed to accumulate a lot of baggage while on the MOS project that was dragging me straight to the bottom of an abyss.
I spent time tonight rereading my chat logs with S tonight. It's funny to see some of the stuff I wrote while I was in the midst of my transformation. I can look back on it with detachment now. At least I didn't sound as completely looney as I thought I did, although I know some of the stuff I did while on the hormone therapy was pretty insane. Luckily, our relationship seems to have survived, and we are both stronger for it. I also made a couple of mental notes about things I hadn't really noticed before, and I'm pretty sure I'm in the right frame of mind now.
I had a good and very productive day at work today. I'm going to make all the pieces fit, even if it kills me to do so. However, I'm making enough progress to still be able to leave on time every day. I have time for a life now, I'm glad I shut down two of my three companies, and it feels weird to have so much time to devote to the third, but the third is always where my destiny has lived.
I don't think I'm in such a hurry now either. I still want to retire before my "normal" retirement age of 67, but no longer pushing for 50, or even 55... 62 may be sufficient. For one thing, I want a playmate to retire with, and that may not be possible, especially since my playmates tend to be younger than I am. Plus, honestly, it may not matter, as I may retire from NASCO within the next five years, but keep on working the business, which is really what I mean when I say "retire" - I mean leaving my job at NASCO. But I'm not doing that unless I'm financially secure. And my "standards" for financial security are probably higher than most people. The "goal" is debt-free (including mortgage) and $250k in the bank before I leave NASCO. Period, no negotiating on that point.
The only exception would be if the book is a phenomenal success and I really do leave to do that book tour I'm always talking about. But the book is still over a year off. I have to lose the last 40 lbs., and have yet another set of abdominal surgery. Not high on my list, but the way FMLA works, it means that I have to wait until at least July 2, 2008 to go out on leave again. At least this time I will be more prepared to be out on disability than I was this time. Then there will be 6-8 weeks recovery time, and then, at that point, I'll write the final chapter, and it will be all production time from then. I'm actually hoping to have a release in time for the holiday buying season in 2008. That's my goal at this point. Much more concrete than it has been before.
This has turned out to be longer than I anticipated. So I'll end it here.
Ciao for now.