tinuvial | Never enough time...

Vacation will be over on Monday. I was sick for almost the entire time and think my relationship with J may be over as well. What a lovely way to spend my time off. My condo in Vail sat unused and I spent the week alternately sleeping and crying. It would be easier if I knew why things has gone badly, but yet again, a man just goes *poof* with no explanation and I'm left wondering where it all went wrong.

Oh, and a $2k bill for a laptop that he's supposed to pay me back for, but that I fear I'll never see another dime.

The only smidgen of hope I have is that he's not returning phone calls & messages to *any* of his friends, so even though that may mean there's hope for our relationship, it could also mean that things went disastrously wrong with his head/neck injury he got at work a week ago Friday (the morning I was supposed to leave, he got smacked in the head by a truck mirror while he was working on an accident scene).

I alternate between being hurt, angry and worried. Just not the relaxing week I had planned. My stress levels went through the roof instead. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work so that it takes my mind off my troubles. I should be able to cast this off and remain positive, but it's taking a lot of energy to do so.

I'm grateful for good friends, lunches out with folks I don't get to see often, and horse trades for geek stuff. I'm also grateful for resolving things with my son's father after 27 years. To finally come clean and let him know he was the baby's father, and to have him forgive me for the way I handled the situation so long ago was very cathartic.

So some of the tears I shed this week were good tears, cleansing tears. I have a feeling that there may be more, who knows? I'm trying to get 'me' back. Somewhere, I lost my groove, and I'm not sure how to get it back. It's like there are huge chunks of my life that are missing, and things that I thought I had finally found are gone now too.

However, the last five months since Frolicon have been the happiest of my life. Yes, in part that's due to my relationship with J. But no one other than yourself can make you happy. That's one thing I've learned of late. So although this week may have been somewhat of a setback, I know I'm going to get right back on track. I'm preparing for more major changes, but I'm happy about said changes. I'm just not ready to share them yet.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try do get back on track with my corporate blog over here.

Ciao for now.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Date: 2009-09-20 03:36 am (UTC)

From:

jovan-scorn.livejournal.com

no subject

I hadn't seen you post much in the past few months, the last being your announcement of your plans concerning Dragoncon. I'm sorry that you had something still new, still in full bloom, that had to end too soon.

Date: 2009-09-20 03:40 am (UTC)

tinuvial.livejournal.com

Thank you so much...

I'm sorry we missed each other at Dragon*Con. I spent most of my time in the room watching D*TV due to the ear infection I was fighting. When I did go out though, I was uncomfortable with the sheer number of people. Just so not my thing. As for whether or not it's over, I really wish I knew. 'Over' would be so much better than 'Limbo' which is where I am now.