An open letter to my son...

[tinuvial]

I'm writing you here because this is the only place where I know that you might find me. You see, you turned 19 on Thursday, but I wasn't there to wish you a Happy Birthday because I gave you up for adoption when you were born. But that doesn't mean that I don't love you.

In fact, you're probably the only person I've ever loved enough to do the right thing for. God knows I don't always make smart choices for myself, or I wouldn't have found myself pregnant and unmarried at age 20. I turned 21 the month before you were born, so there weren't any big parties that year to celebrate my coming-of-age... I had already grown up too much too fast.

I wonder what your name is. Did they let you keep the name I gave you? I named you David Thomas, after the man I loved at the time, and my father. There are so many things I wonder about. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you, and send my silent prayers for God to make you safe and happy.

What (who) do you look like? How old were you when you took your first step, said your first word? When did you steal your first kiss? Did you like school? Were you popular? An athelete? There are so many things that I wish you could tell me. But I suppose my fondest wish is that you never want to find me.

That may sound strange. However, I think if you don't have the desire to seek me out, it is because you were raised by loving parents, and have a strong relationship with them, and have no need to find out who provided the "egg" that became you. God knows how many times over the years though, that I wanted desparately to know how you were, to make sure that you were all right, that no one was hitting you, or abusing you, and that you were a happy, normal child.

Luckily, if you want to find me, I'm registered with every "Adoption Seekers" organization I could find, and your adoption records, although sealed to me, are open to you. I keep them updated with my current address at all times. So it won't be hard to find me if you need me.

Happy Birthday son, I'll always be here for you.

Comments

wow.

[zengoddess.livejournal.com]

simply amazing. wow.

big hugs to you...

and happy birthday, david thomas.

Re: wow.

[tinuvial.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Sometimes I think that giving my son up for adoption was the "crowning achievement" in my life. At least I was smart enough to know that I wouldn't be able to provide for him the kind of life he could have with two parents. Here are a couple of other facts from his birth: He was one of only THREE babies given up for adoption in my county that month. His parents had been on a waiting list for a child for over three years. And, on a side note... the 14 year old that gave birth across the hall from me the same day took her baby home with her for her mother (the child's grandmother) to raise.

[laurabel.livejournal.com]

I have been thinking about your post for a few hours now...brought tears to my eyes and the hairs on my arms stood up. I would never had had your strength.

One of my best friends found her birth family a few months ago. She is 34. I know she has some amazing contacts. I could get you in touch with her if you would like.

*hugs*

Thank you so much...

[tinuvial.livejournal.com]

for your response. It's ironic that I am an adoptee myself, so I am both searching and waiting to be found. However, not unlike my son (who was with his adoptive family at 14 days old), I was with my adoptive parents from day five. I never really thought of anyone else as being my parents, however, my relationship was difficult. As I grow older, I am also concerned about medical histories, etc., but I was born in a "closed adoption" state, so unless I can prove a life-threatening condition and get a court order, my records will never be opened. I just thank God that my son won't have to go through that to find me.

Re: Thank you so much...

[laurabel.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Eileen went through her adoptive mothers things when she died when Eileen was 13. So she had a name to work off of and knew the city of her birth as well. I think she finally found her through the obituaries. Turns out Eileen was the 4th child of this woman and she had give the 3 and 4 child up for adoption. The 2 child is the one who the obituary was on and Eileen's mother and her location were listed in the obituary. The family has been very welcoming so it has been a nice experience for her. I was always so worried that she would be rebuffed. But she was concerned about her medical history too since she now has 2 children of her own.

What you wrote was beautiful...

[ex-ladyvox549.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to say, your post made great impression on me..

I hope things work out the way you hope them to be and that your son once will be able to answer all the questions you would like to ask him and that you can do the same with his..

~Ladyvox

Thank you...

[tinuvial.livejournal.com]

Welcome to my friends list! As always, I'm curious as to how you found my journal. Glad you found my writing to be of interest, sometimes I get way too busy to post as much as I should.

how I found you

[ex-ladyvox549.livejournal.com]

Well.. I found you through the option "find random users" :) There are so many LJusers.. I decided to ga take a look around. So I ran into your journal.. hehe

~Lady V