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I am, by all intents and purposes, a morning person. If left to my own devices, with no other demands on my schedule, I will naturally gravitate to getting up between 5 and 6 a.m. and getting most of the day's important things done by 10 a.m. I can be more productive in the morning while the rest of the world sleeps than I can the rest of the day. My ultimate work schedule is 7-3:30 p.m., at least, when I work that shift I get the most done from a "work" perspective, however, the fact that none of my co-workers wish to work the later shift is what leads me to work that shift. If I did not agree to a set schedule of 9:30-6, then we'd all be rotating schedules monthly, and that would just be crappy, so I'd rather work a crappy shift than have to rotate.
I had intended to get my room cleaned up yesterday while Michael was at the Changeling game in Rome. I wasted a lot of time on IRC instead. At least I did change the sheets on my bed and did some reading. I also cleaned up my desk a bit. But that was it. Not what I intended, however, since he didn't leave until 4 p.m., it doesn't surprise me that I wasn't motivated to accomplish anything. Hopefully I'll get a few things done this morning before he wakes. He didn't go to be until around 2 a.m., so I doubt I'll see him much before 10 a.m.
Got to make a Costco run this a.m. I'm going to go without Michael for a change and let him continue to sleep until I get back. He'll have to get up then though, 'cause he needs to return the rental car by noon. I know that laundry is on the agenda for this afternoon as well, but other than that, I'm not quite sure what I'll do, although I do have that national Cam project to do as well. Next week is Cam/Anarch and there are updates to make there as well. As usual, I have plenty to do.
I've started working on my sideline business website again. I really need to get thing up and running. I'm making decent money on the side from this and that, but I need to kick it into higher gear again. The thought of being self-employed again with an online business becomes more and more appealing, the only thing that doesn't appeal to me is the time commitment required on top of my other job to get it rolling. However, the latest idea may work well enough to net me some more freedom. We'll see. Originally I had wanted to retire from the "9 to 5" by the time I'm 45, however, realistically, I think I'll push it back to 50, which puts less pressure on me in the short term and allows me to build a bigger cushion.
Of course, there's also the fact that I adore what I do for my job. I really like the actual day to day research, problem-solving, helping out the customers. It's the other associated bullshit that comes from working in corporate America that gives me pain. I'm trying not to care about it, but sometimes it's hard to let go of those things that build up negativity.
Lately I've been feeling the need to actually start working out again. Where this motivation came from, I'm not completely sure. One of the things that has been the hardest for me from the weight battle is the fact that for *YEARS* I have not had any desire for physical activity. Partially, this is due to the fact that for me, most physical activities *HURT* and I'm just so tired of hurting all the time. Somewhere a light bulb went on the other day and I realized that I'm in physical pain most of the time anyway, so what will be different if I do start exerting myself? Initially, more intense pain, however, in the long run, I'll stop hurting all the time from carrying around so much excess weight.
I think that this stems from somewhere, somehow, I began to "like" myself again. I'm not sure how, but I've finally found some measure of peace with who I am, and I know that I do the things that I do because *I* want to do them, not because they're an activity that someone in my life enjoys, etc. I say this because I'm able to say "no" to things in a way I never would have done even 5 years ago. Michael adores the Changeling venue. Normally, this would mean I would become immersed in it so as to spend more time with my beloved. However, although I have made a character for the venue, I'm able to say "no." Rather than sacrificing my day yesterday because Michael needed me to drive him to the Rome game, I suggested that he rent a car, because I just wasn't really that interested in going.
So it doesn't really matter that I didn't accomplish anything yesterday. I had "me" time. That's necessary in a relationship, I've learned. I've learned a lot about me and a lot about relationships since I moved to Atlanta in 1993. Of course, I wish I had learned those lessons long before I did. Thinking about both of my marriages, and the many relationships I had in college makes me sad sometimes. But when I realize that I had no healthy relationship role-models, it makes sense to me that it took me this long to figure it out.
When I look at those in relationships around me, I realize that the ones that "work" have those individuals in them that remain "individual." That's hard for society to stomach, I think. I think societal pressures and the media work to make us believe that when we get married we become an "indivisible unit" - not in the way that matters (i.e., economically, legally, emotionally, etc.), but from a more insidious "homogenous" perspective. That each of the two in the relationship somehow bend until they blend into something not quite the same. While I believe that this does occur in time (i.e., 30-50 years), I think that society places pressures on us to do it "right away." In the process, those who can't find that "groove" immediately begin to grow apart from one another and the relationship is doomed to failure, because neither party can find middle ground. Or worse, one party doesn't change and the other one does to such an extent that they no longer recognize themself, and cannot maintain this for an extended length of time... and by the time they realize that the other party needs to compromise too, they are faced with a partner used to getting their own way and unwilling to change.
I feel as though I could write all morning, but if I don't pry myself away from the keyboard now, I may not get anything else done. I'm fighting hard not to go back into "hermit" mode, but my period of socialization (usually running about 3 months) is coming to a close, which means I'm likely to drop back off the face of the earth for another 12-18 months. It's funny, most of the time I'm perfectly happy being a hermit, however, every year or two, I go through a phase where I want to go out and socialize with people very actively. I've been in that mode since mid-December, but it's already beginning to wear on me. I want to retreat back into the warmth of my cave and shut out the rest of the world again. Parts of me think that this is a bad thing, but I question why is it a bad thing? Lack of human contact is actually what preserves what little faith in humanity that I retain. I'm bitter and cynical not because I shutter myself off from society, but because of what contact I am forced to have with society as a whole on a day to day basis at work, etc. I can't control that (i.e., unless I get my Internet business functioning at a level I can retire), so I must conserve what little patience I have for my career. This tends to make my social life non-existant because there's nothing left over at the end of the day.
Bleh, didn't want to end this on a down note. My life is not really a series of down notes. One of the reasons I had resisted posting the last few days was that I didn't want to be negative. I feel way too negative most of the time. I wonder if the very nature of LJ encourages people to rant/rave, be negative, etc. I don't know. Most likely it's because writing is cathartic, and cartharsis, by definition, expels those things that are negative in order to have a positive rebirth. So perhaps only my perspective is skewed.
Because I don't say it often enough. I love all of you who bother to read my journal. I have a wonderful group of friends and acquaintances, both in the Cam and without. I love, respect and value each one of you.
Ciao for now.
I had intended to get my room cleaned up yesterday while Michael was at the Changeling game in Rome. I wasted a lot of time on IRC instead. At least I did change the sheets on my bed and did some reading. I also cleaned up my desk a bit. But that was it. Not what I intended, however, since he didn't leave until 4 p.m., it doesn't surprise me that I wasn't motivated to accomplish anything. Hopefully I'll get a few things done this morning before he wakes. He didn't go to be until around 2 a.m., so I doubt I'll see him much before 10 a.m.
Got to make a Costco run this a.m. I'm going to go without Michael for a change and let him continue to sleep until I get back. He'll have to get up then though, 'cause he needs to return the rental car by noon. I know that laundry is on the agenda for this afternoon as well, but other than that, I'm not quite sure what I'll do, although I do have that national Cam project to do as well. Next week is Cam/Anarch and there are updates to make there as well. As usual, I have plenty to do.
I've started working on my sideline business website again. I really need to get thing up and running. I'm making decent money on the side from this and that, but I need to kick it into higher gear again. The thought of being self-employed again with an online business becomes more and more appealing, the only thing that doesn't appeal to me is the time commitment required on top of my other job to get it rolling. However, the latest idea may work well enough to net me some more freedom. We'll see. Originally I had wanted to retire from the "9 to 5" by the time I'm 45, however, realistically, I think I'll push it back to 50, which puts less pressure on me in the short term and allows me to build a bigger cushion.
Of course, there's also the fact that I adore what I do for my job. I really like the actual day to day research, problem-solving, helping out the customers. It's the other associated bullshit that comes from working in corporate America that gives me pain. I'm trying not to care about it, but sometimes it's hard to let go of those things that build up negativity.
Lately I've been feeling the need to actually start working out again. Where this motivation came from, I'm not completely sure. One of the things that has been the hardest for me from the weight battle is the fact that for *YEARS* I have not had any desire for physical activity. Partially, this is due to the fact that for me, most physical activities *HURT* and I'm just so tired of hurting all the time. Somewhere a light bulb went on the other day and I realized that I'm in physical pain most of the time anyway, so what will be different if I do start exerting myself? Initially, more intense pain, however, in the long run, I'll stop hurting all the time from carrying around so much excess weight.
I think that this stems from somewhere, somehow, I began to "like" myself again. I'm not sure how, but I've finally found some measure of peace with who I am, and I know that I do the things that I do because *I* want to do them, not because they're an activity that someone in my life enjoys, etc. I say this because I'm able to say "no" to things in a way I never would have done even 5 years ago. Michael adores the Changeling venue. Normally, this would mean I would become immersed in it so as to spend more time with my beloved. However, although I have made a character for the venue, I'm able to say "no." Rather than sacrificing my day yesterday because Michael needed me to drive him to the Rome game, I suggested that he rent a car, because I just wasn't really that interested in going.
So it doesn't really matter that I didn't accomplish anything yesterday. I had "me" time. That's necessary in a relationship, I've learned. I've learned a lot about me and a lot about relationships since I moved to Atlanta in 1993. Of course, I wish I had learned those lessons long before I did. Thinking about both of my marriages, and the many relationships I had in college makes me sad sometimes. But when I realize that I had no healthy relationship role-models, it makes sense to me that it took me this long to figure it out.
When I look at those in relationships around me, I realize that the ones that "work" have those individuals in them that remain "individual." That's hard for society to stomach, I think. I think societal pressures and the media work to make us believe that when we get married we become an "indivisible unit" - not in the way that matters (i.e., economically, legally, emotionally, etc.), but from a more insidious "homogenous" perspective. That each of the two in the relationship somehow bend until they blend into something not quite the same. While I believe that this does occur in time (i.e., 30-50 years), I think that society places pressures on us to do it "right away." In the process, those who can't find that "groove" immediately begin to grow apart from one another and the relationship is doomed to failure, because neither party can find middle ground. Or worse, one party doesn't change and the other one does to such an extent that they no longer recognize themself, and cannot maintain this for an extended length of time... and by the time they realize that the other party needs to compromise too, they are faced with a partner used to getting their own way and unwilling to change.
I feel as though I could write all morning, but if I don't pry myself away from the keyboard now, I may not get anything else done. I'm fighting hard not to go back into "hermit" mode, but my period of socialization (usually running about 3 months) is coming to a close, which means I'm likely to drop back off the face of the earth for another 12-18 months. It's funny, most of the time I'm perfectly happy being a hermit, however, every year or two, I go through a phase where I want to go out and socialize with people very actively. I've been in that mode since mid-December, but it's already beginning to wear on me. I want to retreat back into the warmth of my cave and shut out the rest of the world again. Parts of me think that this is a bad thing, but I question why is it a bad thing? Lack of human contact is actually what preserves what little faith in humanity that I retain. I'm bitter and cynical not because I shutter myself off from society, but because of what contact I am forced to have with society as a whole on a day to day basis at work, etc. I can't control that (i.e., unless I get my Internet business functioning at a level I can retire), so I must conserve what little patience I have for my career. This tends to make my social life non-existant because there's nothing left over at the end of the day.
Bleh, didn't want to end this on a down note. My life is not really a series of down notes. One of the reasons I had resisted posting the last few days was that I didn't want to be negative. I feel way too negative most of the time. I wonder if the very nature of LJ encourages people to rant/rave, be negative, etc. I don't know. Most likely it's because writing is cathartic, and cartharsis, by definition, expels those things that are negative in order to have a positive rebirth. So perhaps only my perspective is skewed.
Because I don't say it often enough. I love all of you who bother to read my journal. I have a wonderful group of friends and acquaintances, both in the Cam and without. I love, respect and value each one of you.
Ciao for now.
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From:
no subject
Yes I'm seriously thinking as autumn approaches to just drop off the face of the earth and be a hermit as well. I think it will be a good thing for me. Somehow I think that yes humans need companionship but that companionship can just drive us insane too much and we need to just be "us" on our own without almost being poisoned or tainted by other people (well I hate using those extreme words but you get my drift.
As for negativcity, well my Lj is full of it and has been since i got one. Its the only safe space where you can just explode your thoughts somewhere and not have to censor yourself like you would when talking or interacting with other people. Negativity isn't something we're supposed to spread person to person so a journal is the only way to exorcise it.
From:
no subject
Already as a kid I used to talk lots more about things I disliked, then things I liked. Back home from a day out with school, a trip, a tour with my orchestra.. I could rant about all the stupid and non-fun things for hours, days in a row, and often forgot to tell about the fun and nice things I experienced as well. I guess that's normal, things that annoy perhaps make you have to say more then when they just make you feel good? Dunno really.
Hmm not sure whether this all made sense. And perhaps I totally misinterpret what you were trying to say. It's late and I am tired heh :)
~ladyvox
From:
no subject