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I'm not really sure how to go about this post. At first, I thought that I would put up a poll, but that seems so limiting. I decided that I would rather invite open commentary on the musing contained within, so that I could gain a better understanding. Then, I debated over whether or not to make this an open post or a "friends-only" post, and then decided since probably only my friends even bother to read my LJ, I might as well make it open in order to catch anyone out there in the fringes.
I'm feeling rather down these days. I've been under a lot of stress lately from a variety of sources. When the chips are down for me, however, I find that I still, in essence, only turn to a handful of people in my life for support. Handful? Who am I kidding... I think the number is really 2 or 3.
This fact makes me wonder why I don't have any more close friends than that... I seem to have any number of people that come to me whenever the chips are down for them, for advice, a shoulder to cry on, etc., yet these same individuals seem to melt seemingly into the woodwork whenever times are good for them.
At times this makes me feel like an advice machine. Is it that these people see me as so happy on my own that I am not in need of their company? Am I not fun to be around? How can I be such a font of wisdom on one hand, and yet mysteriously absent from those happy times?
Then, there is also the fact that this leaves me stumped when I'm in need of a sounding board myself... After having so many different individual's problems dumped on my lap, and knowing how most of them make decisions, this leaves me loathe to ask these same people for advice...
Of course, there's the trust issue. That's a big one for me. My inner paranoia about human nature runs overtime most of the time. I had a comforting moment after coffee on Wednesday night when I realized that I trusted my dinner companions enough to leave my wallet on the table when I went to the restroom. Small thing, you might think, however, for someone who has experienced roommates who stole from them, that is a huge step.
Then, there is always the fact that I seem to be rather able to insult people without knowing it just by expressing my opinions, which, on the surface, could seem unfounded, but if you knew my life experiences, would make perfect sense. I opened my mouth on Wednesday night and insulted someone who I would like to get to know better, merely by forgetting something that I should have known. I'll explain. I think (but don't know for sure), that this person might be on "mood-altering medications." Unfortunately, I have a huge prejudice against that, from seeing the damage that mental illness has caused members of my family and other friends. I firmly believe that today's society tends to throw way too much medication at people who could cope through more traditional methods if they had genuine support from family and friends. Either that, or I'm just resentful that I was forced to grow up in the house with an unmedicated diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic who was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive towards me. (More than likely, I think this is probably the latter). The comment that I made was that I was not happy that a friend of mine was going out with someone who was so obviously unbalanced, because they post in the LJ all the time about missing meds, needing meds, etc., etc. Meanwhile, one of my companions may have been in the same boat. I really truly am sorry... there are many things that upset me about the individual I was ranting about, and the "mental medications" are just one facet - a poor example, I suppose, in retrospect. I just hope I haven't done any lasting damage. I'm not really as insensitve as I seem. I tend to evaluate everyone as individuals, and do look at the whole, rather than the sum of parts. It's just that I don't always articulate my entire stream of reasoning, and for that reason, I can appear to be rather unfeeling.
I have a deep respect for people's privacy. I tend to believe that if someone wants to spend time with me, they'll ask. If they don't, I don't pry. At times I venture out for company, but many times I'm happy left to my own devices. I don't really want or mean to be "anti-social" - I do have medical considerations that limit me, i.e., need to sleep/eat on a regular schedule, don't drink, don't smoke, etc. Makes me feel boring at times, but I really am just trying to take care of myself.
Most times, I just feel like I'm on the outside, looking in. In retrospect, I think most people feel that way at times, given any social group. However, I think what bothers me more is the question... do I stand on the outside deliberately, or I have I been pushed there by others? I don't think that this question has a right/wrong answer. The most mystifying thing that I struggle with is "How do others see me?" Yet, as most know, I don't really give a flying fig about how others see me. For me, it's a curiousity thing... another piece of information to be evaluated, and perhaps acted on. Is there some consistent theme which points out something that is a potential flaw that could be corrected? I believe that we reinvent ourselves over and over again during the course of a lifetime. I think at this point, I'm looking for external indicators as to what should be fixed. I really don't know.
This might just be the result of the holidays. This is not always the greatest time of the year for me, mood wise. Generally, I try to travel somewhere new and interesting, but that just didn't work out this year. So I'm left feeling like I'm one sandwhich short of a full basket.
Comment at will, it's no one's funeral.
Ciao for now.
I'm feeling rather down these days. I've been under a lot of stress lately from a variety of sources. When the chips are down for me, however, I find that I still, in essence, only turn to a handful of people in my life for support. Handful? Who am I kidding... I think the number is really 2 or 3.
This fact makes me wonder why I don't have any more close friends than that... I seem to have any number of people that come to me whenever the chips are down for them, for advice, a shoulder to cry on, etc., yet these same individuals seem to melt seemingly into the woodwork whenever times are good for them.
At times this makes me feel like an advice machine. Is it that these people see me as so happy on my own that I am not in need of their company? Am I not fun to be around? How can I be such a font of wisdom on one hand, and yet mysteriously absent from those happy times?
Then, there is also the fact that this leaves me stumped when I'm in need of a sounding board myself... After having so many different individual's problems dumped on my lap, and knowing how most of them make decisions, this leaves me loathe to ask these same people for advice...
Of course, there's the trust issue. That's a big one for me. My inner paranoia about human nature runs overtime most of the time. I had a comforting moment after coffee on Wednesday night when I realized that I trusted my dinner companions enough to leave my wallet on the table when I went to the restroom. Small thing, you might think, however, for someone who has experienced roommates who stole from them, that is a huge step.
Then, there is always the fact that I seem to be rather able to insult people without knowing it just by expressing my opinions, which, on the surface, could seem unfounded, but if you knew my life experiences, would make perfect sense. I opened my mouth on Wednesday night and insulted someone who I would like to get to know better, merely by forgetting something that I should have known. I'll explain. I think (but don't know for sure), that this person might be on "mood-altering medications." Unfortunately, I have a huge prejudice against that, from seeing the damage that mental illness has caused members of my family and other friends. I firmly believe that today's society tends to throw way too much medication at people who could cope through more traditional methods if they had genuine support from family and friends. Either that, or I'm just resentful that I was forced to grow up in the house with an unmedicated diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic who was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive towards me. (More than likely, I think this is probably the latter). The comment that I made was that I was not happy that a friend of mine was going out with someone who was so obviously unbalanced, because they post in the LJ all the time about missing meds, needing meds, etc., etc. Meanwhile, one of my companions may have been in the same boat. I really truly am sorry... there are many things that upset me about the individual I was ranting about, and the "mental medications" are just one facet - a poor example, I suppose, in retrospect. I just hope I haven't done any lasting damage. I'm not really as insensitve as I seem. I tend to evaluate everyone as individuals, and do look at the whole, rather than the sum of parts. It's just that I don't always articulate my entire stream of reasoning, and for that reason, I can appear to be rather unfeeling.
I have a deep respect for people's privacy. I tend to believe that if someone wants to spend time with me, they'll ask. If they don't, I don't pry. At times I venture out for company, but many times I'm happy left to my own devices. I don't really want or mean to be "anti-social" - I do have medical considerations that limit me, i.e., need to sleep/eat on a regular schedule, don't drink, don't smoke, etc. Makes me feel boring at times, but I really am just trying to take care of myself.
Most times, I just feel like I'm on the outside, looking in. In retrospect, I think most people feel that way at times, given any social group. However, I think what bothers me more is the question... do I stand on the outside deliberately, or I have I been pushed there by others? I don't think that this question has a right/wrong answer. The most mystifying thing that I struggle with is "How do others see me?" Yet, as most know, I don't really give a flying fig about how others see me. For me, it's a curiousity thing... another piece of information to be evaluated, and perhaps acted on. Is there some consistent theme which points out something that is a potential flaw that could be corrected? I believe that we reinvent ourselves over and over again during the course of a lifetime. I think at this point, I'm looking for external indicators as to what should be fixed. I really don't know.
This might just be the result of the holidays. This is not always the greatest time of the year for me, mood wise. Generally, I try to travel somewhere new and interesting, but that just didn't work out this year. So I'm left feeling like I'm one sandwhich short of a full basket.
Comment at will, it's no one's funeral.
Ciao for now.
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From:
no subject
From:
no subject
I also think you're too hard on yourself. There are plenty of assholes to go around. And honestly, we're all very self-absorbed people. We all just have to remember the Golden Rule in the end and try and give an ear when it is needed, and remembering to ask when we need that ear in return.
:::hugs::: Learned some new stuff Wednesday night. It was really a wonderful time. Sorry it took me so long to get around to the learning.
From:
A handful?
Let me say just how much I agree with you about at least one thing.
I do not like going somewhere unless invited. A friend of mine is having a party and everyone I know is there, I would not go unless I was specifically invited. It could certainly be an oversight, but I would rather miss something like that, than to appear pushy, or to feel unwelcome. I have actually changed quite a bit from my college days of distant and unapproachable.
So, this attitude often leaves me on the outside, looking in. Do I begrudge people for not asking me to join in, for not working to make me feel included?
No, I sure don't. At one time I would resent people that were friends for taking me for granted, or keeping me segregated from their other friends, and the like, but now, I guess I try to not be so judgmental, and take whatever a person is offering.
I don't really have any suggestions what to do for your friends that you feel exclude you from the happy parts of their lives. Try to be positive and invite people to the important times in your life, and what you are doing. If they choose not to be a part, the offer was freely given.
In a stream of consciousness sort of way, I have this to say. I had a thought on my wedding day that didn't get fully formulated until I was at my grandmother's funeral. Who do you invite to your wedding? And really, who do you invite to share your life with you? Not in marriage, but a strong friendship is a personal commitment similar to marriage.
I found myself thinking that you should invite everyone that would be at your funeral. These are the people that are affected by your life, and should be there for the good and the bad.
Okay, enough morbid stuff from me, back to the jokes.
Just how big are your hands?
From:
Re: A handful?
From:
You are always welcome
Be blessed,
Chauma